I used to...

A long, strange farewell to life, the world, and everything.

Published on November 16, 2004 By CraigAlan In Misc

Once upon a time...
There was a boy.

He was a writer, a musician, a teacher, and an overall friendly person.
That boy became a man. That man was me.

I used to be somebody.

I know this sounds strange. Isn't everyone somebody?
I suppose, in some twisted way, I still am somebody.
Just nobody important.

I used to have a life.

That I'm still living, still breathing as I write this is unimportant.
I had a job. I had school. I had more than just an existence.
I mattered to people.

I used to be in love.

Hasn't everyone? What makes me so different?
My story is no different from you or that of your friend, I suppose.
I miss her so much it hurts.

I used to want to go on.

A curious spirit, kind in nature, reaching out.
I wanted friends, not enemies. Love, not hate.
Instead, I got nothing.

I used to be something.

Now nothing can describe what I've become.
A waste of space, of time, or whatever you might say.
Don't bother with me, I'm not worth saving.

I used to believe.

God has abandoned me, in his infinite wisdom.
He's lost patience with me, as I'm sure he's tired.
I've been so, so selfish.

I used to want more.

Now, I've stopped caring. I don't try anything new.
My life has become routine, a laughable effort.
I write just to pass the time.

I used to want to live.

Suicide? That's no option. I can't.
Even though I've completely failed.
I still... just... can't....

I used to be somebody.

I was loved, and loved in return.
She smiled and laughed along with me.
I had it all and threw it away.

I used to know when to stop.

I've cried so much that I can't anymore.
My feelings are lost, my heart empty.
I stare in to the meaningless void.

I used to have hope.

I would tell others to have hope.
What a hypocrite I am! Don't listen to me!
I am not worthy! I don't deserve anything!

I used to be afraid.

Now, I feel nothing.
Complete, and utter...
I'm going now.

Comments

Sally jacobs

on Nov 17, 2004

I am really not the person to be offering advice here, and I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. For someone who is nothing, and feels nothing, you sure put alot of emotion into that, it was beautiful. I'd like to say I understand where you are coming from, I can never fully understand how you feel though, that is personal to you. Your life might feel bad at the moment, that you can't go on. I often get that feeling that I am just existing rather than living. There is something you can do about that. You can grab by the scruff of the neck, give it a good kick up the arse, and show it the direction you want to go in. YOU can do that.

I know there might not see a point to it. When you love someone, your life becomes about them, you wake up in the morning, and they are the first thing you think about, you go through the day, aching to be with them. They make your life complete. When that goes, it hurts, like no other pain you will ever feel. I can understand you hurting, and thinking everything else is pointless. I can tell you this, it will get better, it will get easier. I know you won't believe me, damn I don't even believe it myself at the moment. I do know it will eventually happen. This pain you are feeling at the moment, you will one day appreciate. Because when love comes your way again, you will appreciate it so much more, it will be that bit more special, and it will because of this pain you are feeling now.

I don't have the words to make things better for you. That is upto you. I can offer support, and an ear to listen. The hard work is down to you though. You are someone. Forget the used to be. Concentrate in the here and now, you can make life better. I will keep checking up on you. Please remember that there are good people out there, and that your life is not over, it is only just begginning my friend. Take care of you xxxx

CraigAlan

on Nov 17, 2004

I appreciate so, so much your reply, Sally, I can't even tell you.

My mind is all mixed up right now and I'm doing anything to try to distract myself. Hopefully, going away next week for Thanksgiving will help. Seeing family always seems to put things into perspective for me.

I really have nobody to blame for feeling this way but myself. I let it get a bit out of control, but I think in a way I needed to get a bit of this frustration out.

Thank you for listening to my rant, replying, and offering a hand of friendship. I appreciate that more than you'll probably ever know.

Meanwhile, let's both of us take care of ourselves and try to make the best of things... I know that sounds crazy but it's about all I can think of right now. All my usual eloquence seems to have gone at the moment.

Again, thank you.
Craig

Sally jacobs

on Nov 18, 2004

Craig no need to thank me at all, sometimes an unbiased ear helps, and that is what I'm offering. I'm sure that seeing family will help you bunches. Feeling the love of people always does. Writing is a good form of therapy. You can write out your emotions, and make sense of them later, instead of hiding them.

I'll be okay, I'm a strong lass, and I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. As I'm sure you will. Take care of yourself, and remember I am here to listen if you need it.

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